Ina Teves, Organizational Development Consultant

Ina Teves is an organizational development consultant with a change management firm dedicated to making a difference wherever it goes by journeying with the client through the entire process of organizational transformation. Email your questions to ina.b.teves@gmail.com.

Can a manager have a romantic relationship with his assistant?

Q:  Hi there!

I'm a manager with a situation that I don't quite know how to handle and I'd really appreciate any advice you can give me.  For reasons that will be made clear later, I can't approach my superiors and my colleagues for it.

I'm attracted to this supervisor who reports directly to me.  She's smart, great at her job, very personable, independent of mind but knows when to defer to boss and team alike, and of course, simply beautiful. She is that rare type of what I'd call the modern Filipina - a career lady who'd make manager in no time, is no wall flower and can speak her mind, and yet is old-fashioned enough to "know her place" once the boss or the boyfriend start exerting their authority.

Needless to say, if it were not for the fact that she is involved in a relationship, many guys in the office would be lining up to date her.  And some already are, but she keeps turning them down because of her boyfriend.

I've been tempted to ask her out myself, or even just mention casually that I'm attracted to her.  No commitment on her part, I'd just like to know how she'd react. 

I'm well aware of the unofficial corporate rule that you don't date someone junior to you, because this invites gossip, intrigue, and perhaps people's doubts about your objectivity when you as a manager deal with a subordinate who happens to be a love interest.

But is it really wrong?  I really LIKE this girl.  If I date her, it wouldn't be a one-night stand; I'd be in for a long haul.

What would the repercussions be if I do tell her?  And we start dating? And let's just say I do tell her with no condition or undue influence to date, would that really be so bad?

Dear Dennis,

These seem to be exciting times for you.  The chase and the idea of it are oftentimes more exciting than the real thing, and sometimes complications can give you more excitement than you can handle. The short answer to your question is office romances are fine so long as there is no potential for conflict of interest or the appearance of it. It is okay also for as long as you stay within the bounds of decency. 

This means you can be involved – or entangled – with an officemate for as long as she is not your boss, subordinate, client, someone in your unit, or someone you have to audit or conduct financial transactions with.

Now let’s look at the little kinks in this situation.

If you asked her out and she said no, you will have placed her in an awkward situation.  She will have this at the back of her mind every time she meets with you.  And if you so much as critiqued her job performance, she will always wonder whether it is because she turned you down.  Not only would you lose a date, you would lose a good, focused worker.  If you persisted in asking her, after being rejected, you could be up for a sexual harassment complaint. 

If she says yes, how do you know for sure that it’s not because you’re the boss?  We’re not saying she’s playing the field.  We’re saying she might think she’s not in a position to say no and that it might harm her career to do so.  Even if you said that you have only good intentions, how would she know?

If you went out regularly and progressed onto a more committed relationship, how would you handle the rest of your staff?  How do they know that you’re not playing favorites? How do they know she’s not “spying” for you? 

If you ended the relationship, could YOU still work with HER? If she ended the relationship, could SHE still work with you? Would either of you want to work with the other? Could everyone else in the department get any work done on your bad days?

BUT what if she were the love of your life?  Shouldn’t you even try? Yes, you may.

Get to know her – and the rest of your staff – better.  Go out on group activities – llunch, bowling, badminton, the gym. This way, it’s non-threatening to everyone involved. You also get to observe her in a non-office situation.  Who knows, you might even become friends. You might also find out how serious she is about her boyfriend.   Then, if you decide you really like her, you think she likes you as much, and you trust each other enough, you could go to the next step and ask her out.

If you do get involved, discuss the potential complications above and how you would handle it.  Discuss openly how you would handle gossip and questions of fairness. Agree on how you would behave at work on good days and bad days.  Draw a clear line between your professional and personal lives.

Stay professional and above reproach. If you really are serious about each other, one of you will have to transfer to another unit or another company. This way, you protect each other from intrigue and you protect your relationship.  When you stay professional, everyone else around you will do the same – and you will have kept the right to demand a high level of performance from them.