Dear Ina,
I came across an e-mail you answered a few years ago regarding a young lady trying to decide if she should leave the family business? I face a similar dilemma! I've worked for my family's business for the better part of 20 years. My parents started it back in 1984. They sold it in 1999 to a larger competitor and then repossessed it in 2003. At the time my father was almost 70 years old. It was sold with so much money down and a payout over 10 years, based on a percentage of sales. The competitor was going to close it down in late 2002, no more sale, no more payout! My dad’s only option was to take it back. He called me to let me know what was going on and to see if I wanted to come back to work with him. I said yes! We worked well together! I also felt I owed to him help him again! We've had to start over, but that didn't concern me.
It's been almost five and a half years later and we're still going, but it's been a struggle, I know he's plowed a ton of money (thousands of dollars) back into the business. I haven't had a raise since I started back with him and I'm going through a divorce. It isn't about the money, but it is about the money, if you know what I mean! Both of my parents have been a huge help to me and my brother and sister. They always continue to support all of us! My divorce is costing me thousands of dollars in legal fees. Money I don't have! I've racked up credit card debt to pay those bills.
I'd very much appreciated any insight or advice you can pass on! Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.
Manolo |
Dear Manolo,
How torn you must be. Leaving a family business that you enjoyed with your Dad is fraught with emotional meaning. It touches on all that is valuable to us: family, memories, good relationships. It touches on our values: helping, filial obligation, giving back, love. Then there is one’s personal life - the who-we-are when we are not business persons or someone’s child. It too needs helping, giving back, and love.
It might help to look at the business as a business. If it were anyone else’s what would you do with it? What could you do with it? Is anything in your power to save it? If your answer is no, sit down with your father and say that it is beyond your competence to do anything more for the business, that perhaps a professional manager is needed, or you could hold a frank planning session to decide on directions and options.
Also, ask yourself: if your father were able to give you a raise equivalent to what you’ve missed over the last five years, would you stay? If he paid for your divorce case, would you stay? If the answer is no, then wanting to leave might really not be about the money. It might be that the who-we-are is longing to be just that. We all reach a point when we refuse to be defined by our parents, our jobs, our relationships, our hobbies. Or it might be that we just need to handle one major life-changing event at a time.
Talk to your father and tell him how you feel. Clarify that it does not mean you love him any less. For all you know, he might understand what you feel. Even if at the start he doesn’t, help him to know that this is a painful decision. If you stay because of guilt, you’re staying for the wrong reasons and eventually, it will taint this great working relationship you have with your dad. When you decide to go, you might find later on that you are able to love him more because you are coming from a position of freedom.
On the practical side, if you decide to leave, clarify your own career and growth goals. Assess your skills versus the job market or the target area or firm you want to enter. Analyze how getting a new job or starting something on your own can help you with your credit card debt. How will moving to another company help you through your financial concerns and at the same time, help you through your divorce? Will you be able to perform well in a new job while going through the process?
Even if you do not decide to leave, you might engage a head hunter who could set you up for interviews - or just try to do it on your own -- to see how you would feel about the non-family business world now. Will it be something that would excite you llong term? Can it help you help your father later on? Could you work with your father part-time and hold a job elsewhere?
Also, if you decide to leave, do so the way a professional would -- make sure things are in order and that there is a proper turnover of responsibilities. And, never burn bridges.
All the best, |
